“You write about getting shit on during sex. Aren’t you scared of what people will think about you when they read your stories?”
I wrote a book about my sexual misadventures. Someone who read one of my stories asked me this. It’s a fair question. Of course I’m scared of how I’m perceived in my book! I’m fucking terrified! I’ve had full-blown panic attacks over it. I’ve lost full nights of sleep over it. I’ve CRIED over it. So yes, I care what people think, I’m not a sociopath (although some may argue this).
The two most important things I’ve learned during my less-than-conventional life are 1) always entertain, and 2) always be honest. Even if it gets me in trouble. But don’t hurt people. This can be a fine line.
Entertain: When I was 18 my buddy pierced my ear with a dirty needle. All because I wanted to entertain a girl and her mom in hopes of potentially having sex with the mom. I THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK. It bled. It got infected. I cried. I was a blubbering mess. I have a cross earing there now, blasphemously, in hopes of redemption with the big lad upstairs. This probably falls under the category of “fucking moronic”, but entertaining, nonetheless.
The best form of entertainment creates laughter. Those who say laughter is the best medicine haven’t done cocaine and spoken about themselves all night, or drank copious amounts of alcohol while watching Love Is Blind? Seriously though, laughter is galactically medicinal; it releases endorphins and makes you feel fucking great. Which is why I surround myself with the funniest people that I can. You might not always remember that hilarious thing someone said, but you WILL always remember how you felt while with them.
Laughter also enhances oxygen-rich air, stimulating your heart and lungs. I don’t know about you, but with a plethora of exes calling me heartless and having a lung collapse, I could do with largely stimulating both organs.
Be honest: I once had sex in the bathroom of a bowling alley bar, got kicked out, and then went back and threw a brick through the front glass door of the venue. I LINGERED IN THE PARKING LOT AFTERWARD, taunting the bouncers like some kind of tough guy. Puke. The police came, I told the truth and received a slap on the wrist. Maybe that was just luck, I don’t know. But I’ve found the more I’m honest, the less I have to worry about getting into trouble, ironically. And I have made all but a career out of perpetual trouble-making.
With the truth, you won’t always be liked by everyone. Some people dislike the truth you are speaking. If that’s the case—like with writing—it means you’re doing something right. If you aren’t saying something worth saying, people would have nothing to hate on. So, speak that truth or be silenced. Fuck that; any life worth living, at least for me, is one where I speak my authentic, raw, and vulnerable truth. Why else exist? I would never pretend to be something I’m not to make somebody else happy.
Like anyone, I’ve done some idiotic things in my life. And I’ve written hundreds of stories about them. All of which are entertaining and honest and incredibly humiliating. So this is what I do to deal with shame and embarrassment:
- I always address that rosy-cheeked elephant in the room, so no one else has to.
- I turn it into comedy, often self-deprecating.
- I embrace and share my failures. I used to only talk and post about my victories. They were all bullshit, none authentic. They were all, “IG vs real life” type W’s. I was a phony. The failures were where I always learned, but I always kept them to myself because they were often debilitatingly embarrassing. That fear was such a dream cock-block, preventing me from unlocking my full potential. Blah.
The day I started embracing failures was the day I started grasping embarrassment as being a vital part of my growth. The more I address my humiliations by sharing and writing about them, the more I learn that embarrassment will never kill me, it’s just a part of life. (Seriously, you can’t die from embarrassment, I Googled it.) It’s still tough, but it gets easier. I simply learned how to use it to my advantage.
If I never make a mark on this world, that’s okay. I went out guns-a-blazing—let my light shine and my presence known—all while making people laugh and staying true to myself and those I care about.